The ‘Please insert disc 2’ of 2020.
A/N: My husband is my beta reader and he said my post sounds stilted and my writing style is different. Please bear with me. This is the most multimedia I’ve packed in one post.
Socials
Towards the end of June, and then early July, Ben arranged brunch with friends for the first time since the lockdown.
We went to Wildflour at BGC on two consecutive Saturdays, with different friends (all the same—the friend groups knew one another. It’s an aspect of Ben’s network that fascinates me. My friend groups seldom intersect.)
Anyway, I was more interested in the bakeshop / shopfront than the food. Leah mentioned the biscuits (or scones) to us and I must say it was a revelation to me. It’s definitely not something I would have ordered for myself. But oh my, it’s the buttery, crumbly, mildly sweet counterpart of the flaky, savoury croissant.
It’s ironic though that Ben and I only ordered it to imitate Leah and Leah ended up being told there wasn’t any left.
It was such a refreshing change of pace that I took a leaf off of Ben’s book and arranged ‘The Breakfast Club’, a fortnightly Saturday brunch with nearby friends, namely Chad, Jeph, and his girlfriend Jen.
On our first brunch Chad said it was the first time he’d gone out since March. Jeph and Jen said the same thing. I like to think it’s a tempered, sound routine to build into this new normal… until we revert back to MECQ.
Garden updates
I wanted to show you how my garden is doing, but until last week I never realised how much Lily was a companion into my forays. She both destroyed my seedlings and enjoyed them the most. She was there without fail whenever I rounded up all my plants their weekly deep-watering. She’d grab the neck of my watering can with her paws as I watered. She was out there in the blazing sun with me whenever I took a break from work and checked on my plants. One of my last memories with her is her meowing at me to let her out the window, me obliging her, and watching her cheekily try to eat my jadelet as I sat at my desk trying to have my meeting with Sabina.
I lost a lot of energy. Sorry. Nothing to see here. Balik na lang kayo mga next month po.
Foray into slow cooking
Rustan’s changed up their discount meat section and instead of lamb offered buy-1kg-take-500g beef shank. I grabbed a pack and looked up recipes for shank, which normally requires a lot of tenderising, usually via Dutch oven, slow, or pressure cooker.
I must admit that after trying my hand at beef bourguignon I’m not a big fan of the savoury red-wine stock, so when Ben and I browsed recipes it was a no-brainer:
We chose a recipe that featured garlic and herbs, little tomato, and no wine. It turned out pretty good despite my having to make do with some ingredients. Ben enjoyed it so much that he made another batch the next week. Each time it barely lasted two nights.
Found a retinoid I like
Since discovering r/SkincareAddiction and r/AsianBeauty on reddit, my skin has come a long way. Friends who’ve known me a long time have commented on how my skin is looking better these days. Nonetheless, these days my problem areas have to do with texture and acne scars. I’ve read about the remarkable transformations done by retinoids but I hadn’t quite found one that suited me.
I have tried Retin-A in the past but it didn’t do much for me, and having sensitive skin I didn’t want to go into the deep end of it. If you are new to this jargon, r/ScA has a really good and informative primer on retinoids.
I chanced upon Mad Hippie in Healthy Options. It was a brand I’d seen mentioned in r/ScA but I’ve never paid attention to which product was good. Nonetheless, I saw they carried a vitamin A serum (retinoid) and the product information and ingredient list looked promising enough.
I wanted to find a retinoid gentle enough for me. HPR is currently the mildest effective form, if not widely studied.
I like it. Combined with The Ordinary mandelic acid 10% + HA that I’m using, my skin looks really clear and bright on some days. I remember in the aftermath of Lily’s passing, as I bawled my eyes out, I would chance upon my reflection in the mirror and register that my skin was uncharacteristically bright despite the red nose, lack of sleep, snot, and swollen eyes. Imagine someone ugly-crying, but with dewy, radiant cheeks. What a sight, innit?
The only downside is its price. I got so used to buying serums and similar bottles for 800 to 900 pesos a bottle that I checked this out without looking at the price. It’s a whopping 1,600 pesos. Oh, well. It will probably last me a year, possibly two.
Bought new makeup after fourteen months
Last year I wandered into a NARS event at Shang and walked away having purchased an entire bag of makeup. I had asked the artist, Gex, to help me get a ‘no makeup’ office look and I bought half of what she used on me.
After fourteen months my concealer has dried up, and I really miss the pencil version of the lip colour she chose for me.
I only needed the one concealer and lippie, but the lady at NARS Megamall told me that I was 200 pesos shy of getting their freebie—an eye liner and mascara package—so naturally, I spent an additional 1,500 pesos, because nothing in NARS is worth only 200 pesos. Maybe the paper bag?
In the end I am reminded, for the umpteenth time, why I don’t wear mascara. As Gex told me, Asian / Filipina lashes are just so… straight and thin and, she really said this and I love her description: nakadapa. Do eyelash curlers really work? How long do y’all spend on your lashes?
Anyway, the unnecessary purchase that I made to get the freebie was another lippie called Bahama. On my first few days trying it out I played Kokomo by the Beach Boys on Spotify every single time, because the recall was remarkably strong. As for Bahama, I think I like it:
Fun fact: I have never chosen a lip colour for myself. I always let the lady at the counter pick for me. I play it safe with nudes. I don’t know how to wear red. I tried to emulate Tricia Gosingtian’s doll-like, creamy pastel look of the early 2010’s, but unfortunately our profiles are so different that I get a strong Nicki Minaj vibe whenever I go for the pale pink lips.
In hindsight, 2012 was a very, very different time… I’m still following her aesthetic, though. She’s a mom now, too!
Ben’s morning coffee
Ben is not a coffee person in the way that I am. He can forego coffee. When the lockdown started he stopped his Starbucks habit owing to having no choice. He knows what he likes and if it’s not available there’s no point in trying other preparations.
After a few months he said his morning work routine was starting to become a drag.
‘I can make you a caramel soy latte,’ I offered. ‘I can teach myself, and we only need to buy a milk frother.’
So we bought not only the milk frother, but also the quintessential Torani brand of caramel syrup. Apparently you can get anything from Lazada if you put your mind to it. Anything.
We learned to make coffee together. He likes his milky and mild. I like mine strong, with the milk only tempering the coffee but not impinging on it, if that makes sense.
I don’t know if our frother is subpar or if you’re supposed to pour as soon as the frothing is done and not a moment after (the milk and froth separate after a few seconds), but I have yet to try my hand at latte art.
Spotify picks
Here’s what I’ve been listening to as of late:
Late Night Chill
I created this playlist to ease me through my last hour of work. Since my primary counterparts are in Europe I work a mid-morning shift. My ‘golden hour’ of work is 8–9 p.m. because it’s the time when most of the bustle of the day has gone and past, the house is clean, dinner is put away, and work meetings are done. It’s the time I get to myself where I can catch up on some deep work.
I haven’t played this playlist since Lily died… I have a fond memory of winding down work, listening to the playlist, and seeing Lily on the pillow behind me, illuminated by the light of my desk lamp. I might move on and find another playlist. Or maybe, it just got eclipsed by…
folklore
Love Tay-Tay’s new album. I love the sound, her maturity, and her gift for evocation. I love the album aesthetic and I have like, three items on my cart from her official store.
My top 5 songs:
- mirrorball
- august
- seven
- cardigan
- epiphany
I’m not going to try to explain her songs. Go and give her a try.
Peaks and troughs
Last June, as Ben was having a rather bad week struggling with his lack of normal routine, his manager reached out to me to ask how he can help Ben. But Tim was also my friend. He also asked me how I was.
‘I’m fine,’ I replied. ‘I’m in a weird place in my life where I’m not in want of anything.’ And at the time I meant it.
And them came the slump in July. It started with a deviation from my normal routine. I went grocery shopping out on a weekday. As I was out I decided it made sense to eat out as well. After four months of quarantine, it felt as though my brain finally had enough. As soon as I got home I decided that I really, really wanted milk tea, so I walked back to Shang for one. Then I walked back home with just milk tea in tow. It was an hour spent and as I got home, sweating, I told Ben my little errand wasn’t worth it.
I started procrastinating. Ben called me out on it.
‘Stop procrastinating.’
‘I’m not procrastinating. I’ll just make my coffee, then meditate, then I’ll be in the right headspace.’
I was being facetious. I knew I was procrastinating. My diet was slipping back into gratuitous consumption. I stepped on the scale and reached my heaviest weight to date.
But it was all right; I was coming back on track. Went to my first confession since the lockdown began. Went to mass on Sunday. Had oatmeal for breakfast Tuesday morning before workout. Skipped the beer. Ate the perishables from the fridge.
And then Lily died.
The first two days were the most difficult. And then it became bearable. Slowly, things will return to normal. But it has been a while since I felt like this. Like my life is no longer… what I told Tim last June. I’m not unhappy. I’m just… not happy. From a logical standpoint, neutral is not negative. What I’m feeling is of a void, an unseen emptiness, vignetting my days. Sometimes the shadows fall back. Sometimes, they lengthen. Sometimes they close in on me in the dark, at four-thirty in the morning, or when the daylight fades. Well, if I describe it like that, it sounds like I’m unhappy. But I’m not unhappy; that would be unfair to Ben and everything else that gives my life colour. I guess you could say that my life is currently the Instagram X-Pro II filter, who even uses that?
If you haven’t seen it, I’ve written about Lily’s death and our grief in previous posts:
Okay, deep breath. Let’s move along.
Something to lighten the mood
I really liked this ad from McDonald’s Philippines. In the last few decades they have worked their magic in their ads to touch the Filipino heartstrings where it matters most:
And now, a word from our sponsors
I want to share a few people I follow and hope you can follow them, too.
jenna / @tangypine
Jenna is my sister and she’s so talented and creative given the humble tools at her disposal. She’s self-taught in drawing, digital illustration, and piano, among probably half a dozen other things.
I watched her stories as she went from 200 to a thousand followers within days. Then she hit 1.3k, then 1.5k, then 1.7k. She now has close to three thousand followers due to her sketches going viral in her circles. I honestly think she’s incredibly talented especially since she’s mostly self-taught. Please do check out her work.
10 Percent True
My friend Steve is a former aviation photojournalist who’s worked with a handful of air forces across the globe. Last year he started a YouTube channel doing interviews and mini-documentaries on aviation. Plugging his Facebook so you can easily browse what he’s been up to, and some personal notes that go with his videos.
His videos can be quite long, thorough, and thoughtful, but his content is top-tier. As requested by his followers, his newer interviews are also available in podcast format.
If you’re into military aviation, then do visit his channel.
Choppins PH
My best friend’s brother started a business selling premium meat products. It’s based in Manila. Jann is a foodie and has a discerning culinary taste. If you live in the City of Manila, do give them a try.
Streamers unite!
Yuusef
My friend Jeph recently started a Facebook page for streaming his gaming. I couldn’t tell you two things about the games. His page was borne from the quarantine, and I’m happy to see a friend develop and flesh out a hobby or pet project. If you’ve watched streamers on Twitch, or the like, do give his page a visit.
CH4Y
My stepsister, Chay, has also started her own page. She’s always been low-key creative and is remarkably good in anything she puts her mind to. Do watch her space.
LAVcast
My cousin Aris has also started his own page for streaming content + videos on YouTube on PC builds. He also has a Discord server. Dive in to see what he’s been up to.
Eid al-Adha
Evening of July 30, our friend Chris sent a parcel our way. We had no idea what it was other than it being food. We were in for a pleasant surprise.
So much thought was put into it that Ben and I were both touched and humbled. I’ve read and read about the Eid holidays but being part of it is an entirely different experience.
Omake
In the fog of last week, one of the things I said to Ben was, ‘I will never see Lily again.’ Even now, whenever I feed, pet, or interact with out new cat I feel the smallest tinge of fear that I am very quickly forgetting who Lily was.
Ben, who knows my heart and what I need better than I do, resolved to remedy this:
I have never learned to decorate my home, because I’ve never had a home to call my own since moving out freshman year. My living with Ben now is the longest I’ve lived in one place.
It feels right and beautiful.
I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why
I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try
I’m still on that trapeze
I’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me
— Taylor Swift, mirrorball
<3 <3 <3