Dresses, femininity, and self-expression

A couple weeks ago, Alena of The Darling Academy published a blog post called Wearing only dresses: choosing a feminine wardrobe.

Now, let’s first get this out of the way—you don’t need to dress a certain way to be feminine. Femininity isn’t defined solely by how you look or dress or present yourself, nonetheless it’s quite a tangible marker of your preferred lifestyle, values, and beliefs.

Alena in particular writes about her struggle to feel natural in the styles she leaned towards—traditionally feminine dresses, cuts, and colours. Something about the article resonated with me deeply, so let me share my own experiences, plus the people whom I consider to be my style icons.


Bestida (n.)

As a child, I was naturally inclined to traditionally ‘girly’ or ‘feminine’ things—I liked Disney princesses with long, flowing hair, thought Sailor Venus was the prettiest of all senshis (Sailor Mars lost because her colours—red and black are rather strong and high-contrast. Plus, she didn’t have a bow.) I liked Aerith’s oh-so-feminine colour and silhouette over Tifa’s tomboyish kicking-your-ass style.

Ariel in her human form was actually one of my favourite looks on a Disney princess.

Growing up in the nineties, it was rather common for girls to be clothed in dresses, puffy sleeves, and skirts. People simply called it bestida and it was as common as, say, wearing a t-shirt. As I reached the years between child and teenager, I vividly recall a denim blue Pochacco dress I had. It was a simple, sleeveless dress with a full skirt and straps that tied around the waist. I remember being sad knowing that I was outgrowing it, and realising that I no longer had any bestida in my wardrobe.

Everything but the dress

I was a teenager in the 2000s, a phase in life where people tend to really start developing their personalities, preferences, and sense of identity.

In terms of sartorial expression, for the life of me, I could not find a dress similar to my beloved Pochacco.

If you remember the prominent fashion style of this decade, well, it looked a bit like this:

Skirts still existed, but they were largely miniskirts. Worse, they were predominantly denim.

Sure, Avril Lavigne might sport a frilly tutu, but it was more of a punk aesthetic than an actual way of dress.

If people wore dresses at all, it tended to look like this:

Denim jeans just dominated the decade. More of this look from this article by POPSUGAR.

I remember in high school, I would fervently scour store after store looking for a ‘dress’. A ‘dress’ that I remembered wearing and only saw in old-timey photos. I wanted a full skirt that actually reached my knees, some semblance of sleeve, some semblance of silhouette and not the shift dresses I kept running into.

The 2010s would introduce softer silhouettes, but the format was still the same—a loose, ‘feminine’ top over skinny jeans or leggings. I had enough empire-cut / peplum tops for people to ask on occasion if I was pregnant.

Don’t get me started on Lolita fashion—it’s an insular, Harajuku extreme-end of ‘femininity’ and mostly worn as cosplay. To be honest, it’s a bit creepy.

Return to dresses

Fortunately, towards the late 2000s, it was in vogue to present very femininely again. Mandy Moore would feature in Seventeen wearing only dresses:

More photos here. Notice though the short length, spaghetti-straps, and the empire cut.

Marie Digby would debut her album wearing a dress and loose waves, surrounded by a floral motif:

And, in spite of her smash hit where she sings, ‘she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts,’ Taylor Swift would consistently present herself in album art and music videos in dresses:

She literally wears a white dress and loose curls in this video.

Mid-2010s, mod, mori girl, cottagecore, and beyond

In what seems to me a response to women longing for ‘older’, more ‘traditional’ ways of dress, ’50s-inspired ‘mod’ fashion emerged, if a bit mixed with the pin-up girl aesthetic.

On reddit, I’ve seen people link an American store called ModCloth, which sold ‘vintage-style’ dresses, for users who asked for advice on where to find full dresses that didn’t make them look like a seven-year-old girl. (I understand that the company has since been acquired and has veered into more ‘modern’ styles.)

Later, someone shared on r/femaleFashionAdvice an inspo album for ‘mori girl‘, which is a Japanese style that again, looked traditional and not overdone. Interestingly, one of the users responded that it’s the aesthetic they’ve been looking for but couldn’t put a word to, and added that it was surprisingly hard to find a dress like this:

The straw hats / bags aren’t hard to find, but a dress like this? Believe me, I’ve looked as well.

Interestingly, this style seems as if it were a precursor to cottagecore, which I won’t even touch, because many sources will tell you it’s a way of living rather than a style, and a lot of sites seem to politicise it, because of course they would.

Today, it’s not too difficult to find dresses in every style. Korean fashion helped a lot, as there are many sites exporting very cute and dainty finds… if you don’t mind the cheap quality and the fact that it seems to exclusively suit waif-like models with eerie proportions:

There are also a lot of options available in the Chinese fast fashion brand, SHEIN. But I refuse to partake in it as I know what fast fashion is like—affordable prices, sweatshop labour, and polyester dresses.

Sustainable fashion is part of my personal values, so it’s a bit difficult for me. Once in a while I would walk past H&M and see a beautiful, floral-print maxi dress… only to find that it’s 100% polyester.

Journey to a personal style

Like I said, I grew up in a decade that cast aside traditional dresses. For the most part, I wore jeans and a shirt because… it’s really all I knew. I did have a tomboyish phase in sixth grade where I wore oversized shirts over jeans because I thought it was cool.

UP College of Engineering, circa 2010. Dresses just weren’t a thing. Or maybe it’s just the demographic. 😀

In my college years, the closest I could find to daily wear were skirts, so I wore skirts whenever I could:

I wouldn’t call my style particularly nice or put-together, and I wasn’t always satisfied with the outfits I was able to mix up, but at least I got what I wanted—skirts and a certain silhouette that I preferred.

Again, it was difficult to find dresses, so I really relied on skirts to build my style, which resulted in a very casual office look:

My first job was in tech, a very forgiving sector when it came to dress code. Notice the only other coworkers wearing skirts—Lorie was a conservative Christian who never cut her hair (and she’s sporting a denim skirt like me). Helen is a rarity in that she’s a very girly girl and presents very femininely.

At some point, and with a little purchasing power I discovered dresses again! But they all seemed to share a prevailing style at the time—short lengths and sleeveless tops.

This dress I bought for PHP 300. Clothes bazaars were popular and these are no-brand runoffs, probably smuggled from China or Bangladesh. It was incredibly short and exposing and it took me months to realise I didn’t quite… like how it presented me.

This dress I bought (or my boyfriend bought for me) in Greenhills. I didn’t particularly like its colour but again, dresses were so hard to find for me that I got it anyway. My coworker Isshi taught me to cinch it with a belt. In hindsight, it was a pretty decent look, but that’s not how I felt at the time. At least I got to use it for layering while I was in Hangzhou.

This salmon-coloured dress, I wasn’t particularly fond of. My boyfriend bought it for me as he liked it on me. The colour was just so… loud.

It was around this time that I got the moniker in the office as ‘the girl who’s always in a dress’. That was my identifier. That in itself didn’t mean anything. I was just happy to be able to express and present myself on my terms, so to speak.

The comments came when I took a change of pace, or showed up in jeans. ‘I like this look on you,’ a coworker whome I considered a big sister said. ‘It’s more… age-appropriate.’

From my boyfriend’s mom: ‘You look like you’re wearing your little sister’s dress.’ I understood where they were coming from. The high of being able to wear dresses was wearing off, and I started to believe that I looked ridiculous. It was difficult to reconcile what I wanted versus looking like a girl’s doll, because again, there weren’t many options accessible to me.

Empire-cut dress with an elastic waistband. I may as well had been wearing a nightgown.

Around this time, I chanced upon a photo of a girl I knew in college. She was sat on an elephant’s trunk (it was a travel photo), and she looked regal in her maxi dress. It was eye-opening for me, because she was five feet tall—5’1″ tops. I never considered maxi dresses because at 5’2″ myself, something told me it was only for tall girls.

I had two cheapo maxi dresses that I wore repeatedly. I don’t have photos to showcase them, but it allowed me a new class of dresses—dresses that were long and reached my mid-calf or ankles. (I grew up being told I have squat legs and so I often thought it was a no-no to wear clothes that ended there. Not to mention I’m petite to begin with.)

Navy linen dress from Muji Singapore. I still wear this as a go-to errands dress, with the same shoes. The dress itself is billowy and slack and has to be cinched with a belt otherwise I look shapeless.

Second dress I wore to my engagement shoot with Ben. This vermillion dress was gifted to me by a coworker who ran an online clothing shop. It’s not my colour and not a dress I would pick for myself. To my chagrin, my husband and the photographer both liked it and complimented me. I’m not the best eye for style, apparently.

Anyway, I realised that I could put in more effort into developing my personal style to something that I was satisfied with, was me, and felt natural. After watching a few of Mrs. Midwest’s videos on cultivating a more feminine style, I tried to inch away from my comfort zone.

I bought this dress from Mango, for our honeymoon in Bali. It remains one of my go-to errands / dinner / date dresses. Ben says I look like a rich Asian matriarch, if a whole foot shorter than him.

I bought this sundress while in Bali. The photo doesn’t do justice to its silhouette, as the skirt billows outwards as I walk. I wore it once to work afterwards and got a gushed compliment from a coworker, asking where I bought it.

I have two maxi skirts at the moment, both from Muji. Both made of linen. The blue one I’m wearing above, I call my ‘milkmaid skirt’. It comes with a slip as it’s quite sheer. Ben finds it funny that I own a slip this day and age. I actually regret not getting more of the black tank top I paired with this skirt, as it pairs really, really well.

After maxi dresses and skirts, we’re at… well, today.

I don’t wear jeans much anymore, especially in this pandemic. I find them too warm and uncomfortable, so I default to dresses, skirts, and shorts at home. I try to be intentional with my choice of clothing. I’m at a point in my life where I can cultivate it at a leisurely pace.

Style icons

At the moment, here are the people I follow for their personal style:

Tricia Gosingtian

I’ve been following Tricia for probably a decade now. Unlike her contemporary, Alodia, her style isn’t so much come-hither, nor is it ostentatious.

At 32, she still allows herself the occasional frills, puff sleeves, and florals.

I do believe that she gets her inspiration from Japanese fashion, albeit the muted, ultrabasic kind.

Despite being a style icon, even she can’t get a break. She’s had to put up with comments like this:

It was an Instagram story among her many highlights, so I couldn’t direct-link it properly.

If you knew her from the 2010s-era of Tumblr and Lookbook, she did indulge in the fashion of the time. It looks showy in hindsight, but to be honest it felt muted compared to other influencers:

Interestingly, she it petite herself, albeit on a naturally skinny frame. I get that clothes that look good on her will not necessarily look good on me, but still. It’s a nice aesthetic overall that resonates with me.

Caitlyn / Mrs. Midwest

I first encountered Caitlyn’s videos on YouTube, where I pegged her for a fundie / nutty evangelical. I was exceptionally surprised at her honest and intelligent takes on women’s issues. My husband knows that she’s the highlight of my week as I love her channel the most on YouTube.

It’s from her videos on finding your style that made me put a little more effort in my wardrobe. Caitlyn’s Instagram posts don’t really do her justice.

For example, I really like the tank top and skirt she wears in her vlog, here:

Caitlyn’s build is even farther from mine—she’s 5’7″ and has a full-bodied figure. Honestly, she could be a model.

Shirinatra

There’s something about Shirin that feels otherworldly—she has a beautiful face, figure, and lustrous auburn hair. She’s a Hufflepuff, like me. An INFJ, probably the rarest and purest of all Myers-Briggs types.

Her whole style stems from her love of vintage, and she seems to fit into it with ease.

Admittedly, her style is lovely to look at but borders on costume and high-maintenance for me. I don’t really see myself wearing most of her outfits. But you know what? After a decade of searching the ‘traditional feminine’ silhouette and aesthetic, it’s a very welcome break from today’s modern fashion.


A note on ‘feminine style’

I know that on the whole, the world is getting better at breaking gender discrimination and not boxing people into ‘roles’ or ‘genders’. When I talk about feminine style here, I’m referring to what we’ve historically and traditionally associated with the female gender.

I don’t want to overcomplicate my terminology and I hope you can forgive me if my wording isn’t refined. My two cents on the matter though, is that when breaking gender stereotypes, people still hinge it upon traditionally gendered characterestics. For example, when people post their ‘gender neutral’ nursery on reddit, what they mean is an absence of the colours pink and blue (1) (2) (3). Androgynous fashion relies on the markers of ‘gendered’ fashion, or a juxtaposition of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ traits (for example, a person with a buzz cut wearing a skirt), otherwise it doesn’t really mean anything.


Thoughts?

Do you know a brand, influencer, or Pinterest tag that I might like? Do you have inputs or constructive criticism to offer? Let me know.

I have not completely eschewed jeans, and I certainly don’t wear dresses and skirts exclusively. I want to document more of my outfits on Instagram, and I want to focus not just on ‘outdoor’ fashion, but what I might wear at home or when I’m just lounging.

It may seem vain, but I believe that I have been far too ashamed of expressing my personal style in my twenties. I didn’t want people to think I was shallow, but all it did was keep me from taking care of myself, and expressing who I was. There is some form of discipline and self-care in ‘showing up for yourself’, as Caitlyn put it.

To end this piece, I want to share this post from r/femaleFashionAdvice: PSA from a woman in a Male dominated field:

As a successful (yea I’ll say it) woman in a STEM job at a fucking refinery, wear whatever the fuck you want.

A few months ago I went to a talk for high school girls who are interested in STEM. the two other panelists were women who had also been working in the industry for 10 years. they talked about how growing up they “weren’t like other girls” and they have always liked “traditionally male things and sports and video games and that’s ok.” which it is. I jumped in with my long ramble on:

I’m not ‘like’ other girls, I am other girls. There is nothing wrong with liking pink. Or wearing dresses. And at the same time liking math and sports and science. We dont need to live in this world where I act like one of the boys to fit in. It took me a long time to get there but I dont need to pick one or the other. I like having long blonde flowing hair and doing ballet. I also like my STEM job and working night shifts helping operators do calculations on the panel at the refinery. I used to wipe off my lipstick when I went out in the field because I was worried people wouldn’t take me seriously. But I realized if they make comments, that’s on them. They wanna razz me for wearing a dress? “Oh honey I dont take fashion advice from men that wear cargo shorts.” And then I do their job better than them. Being a girl, or standing out as a girl at work is not a bad thing.

Feminine is not synonymous with lesser. You dont like dresses? Dont wear them. You love them? Wear them.

I have a pair of leggings and a tshirt in my desk for the days I wear dresses but need to put on coveralls. Sometimes I wear literal mens jeans cause I like them.

Stop trying to be a label, to force yourself into a box, and do the difficult thing: find out who you really are, what you really want, and what image you’d like to project.

I’m really glad that we’re beginning to reclaim our femininity.